Battered to Better…With Christ In My Life! (“My Life” Part 4) December 3, 2008

Just a little recap…alcohol, drugs (no needles) at age 16, sex at 18, and married into a marriage of adultery and abuse (physically and mentally) at age 20.

Here I am a 23 years old, a divorcee weighing in at 90 lbs. from lack of food and depression.  I had no job, lost at the time my ex-husband was arrested for selling drugs.  I didn’t want a job, was afraid of people, had low self-esteem, felt worthless, I was so fragile I mostly just wanting to die, but was afraid to.  Being raised in church, I KNEW I would go to hell. 

Being raised in a Christian home, I knew what Jesus did for me, I wanted to do what was right, I wanted a marriage with Christ and the church in it.  I had convictions when I did all these bad things in my life, but I had problems and I was screwed up.  Satan had me and I was not willing to change.  I believe I was definitely running from God.

After the divorce I could have gone back home to my parents, but chose not to, my life was a mess.  One of my sister’s offered her home, I would be able to stay with her until I could get on my feet.  I would go on interview after interview, it terrified me to interview with anyone especially a man.  I thought…who would hire someone that looked like me, and one that was so introverted as I was, no one!  I would cry myself to sleep at night and pray for God to get me out of this mess.  You know how you pray (I know you all know what I’m talking about) and ask God to do things for you?  The only time you call on Him is in your own time of need.  That is exactly what I was doing, feeling sorry for myself begging God to fix it, but not wanting to turn over anything to Him. 

In 1984 my oldest sisters friend got me a job at Mid-South Machinery in Athens, AL (Commercial John Deere Dealer, you know those BIG yellow ones) as a receptionist.  Oh my gosh, that was crazy, I was afraid to answer the phone (seriously).  Then they expected me to use a CB radio to talk to our mechanics that were in the field working on the the heavy equipment.  Not me, no way!  As days went on I begin to feel more comfortable with my job and the people I worked with.  I was promoted within 3 months of being there!  I began to help in the parts department.  Little 90 lb. me handling dozer parts!  Then I was sent to open a store in Tuscumbia, AL…good grief, I really did that!  I was getting more and more confident in myself.  After being there for 6 months I was promoted to Office Manager working directly for the Sales Manager.

Making more money, meant back into drugs and drinking.  I was making enough money to move out of my sisters and move in with a friend I went to school with.  Eventually our apartment became known as the “Animal House!”  People all over Decatur new of our parties even people in jail, because many people would get caught leaving our apartment.  It was nothing for my roommate and I to drink a 5th of Tequila and half case to a case of beer every night…party after party after party.  The police visited our apartment frequently, because of loud parties. 

I loved my job and made sure I was able to work everyday.  So now I’m in a completely different world from being married…I was loving it!  I was happy with my job and all the new friends I was making.  I was coming out of my shell, that I had been beaten in for 5 years total.

Let me switch gears now.  Sharing this is very hard and shameful for me, but I need to tell it to the ones that are reading my blog with similar problems.   Here goes…after getting a little confidence built up in me, having big parties every night, meeting new people, having new friends.  I decided I would treat guys like I had been treated in the past.  As the saying goes “love’m and leave’m!”  I did exactly that.  

Since being saved, I have told my story to youth groups and they would gasp as I would say, “I have been with more men than I can count on both of my hands!”  I couldn’t even tell you some of those mens names because of being messed up and drunk.  Then I would follow with this, “Sex is a good thing”,

Genesis 2: 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

We all are going to be tempted with sex this is Gods way out:

1 Corthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

“God says we shouldn’t have sex out of marriage, I want you to think about it like this,” “a piece of everyone of those men was stuck to me, when you have sex (the man and woman) become as “one” in Gods eyes.” 

1 Corithians 6:16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”

You can be forgiven and can be washed as white as snow, just like me!

Isaiah 1:18 ”Come now, let us reason together,”
       says the LORD.
       “Though your sins are like scarlet,
       they shall be as white as snow;
       though they are red as crimson,
       they shall be like wool.

At the end of 1984 I began a new job at Delta Research, Inc., Huntsville, AL.  This was an engineering firm…contractor for the government (Missile Defense).  I started as a receptionist.  This is where I met Paul who became my best friend.  We would hang out at bars after work and drink, I was still smoking marijuanna, Paul didn’t, matter of fact none of the ones that I hung out at work with smoked it. 

Eventually I was promoted to a technical typist and had to have a securtiy clearance so I came clean of drugs, I needed to keep this job, it was the best opprotunity I had ever had.  The Defense Investigative Service came back to me after there investigation of me and told me everything that I had done from my first husband on!  Unbelievable huh!  I had never been arrested, how could they know!  I told them that I still drank but did not do any drugs anymore.  I had several conferences with them and they finally gave me my security clearance. 

I promoted to Security Manager (over classified documents) in 1985 and then in 1989 I became Office Manager.  Paul and I had been friends during this time and would do things together with a group.  In June 1988 he ask me out and our relationship went from a friendship of 4 years to falling in love.  You couldn’t seperate us from each other at that point.  The thing about our relationship was we new about one anothers dirt!  When we started dating we began talking about what we wanted in a family.  We both wanted to raise our children in church although he was a little skeptic because of the experience he had as a teen in the church.  Within a couple of months I had moved in with Paul (Madison, AL) and then on February 24, 1989 we were married.

One of the ladies that worked with us would call me into her office often and witness to me.  I would sit and listen to her, I really wanted what she had.  She was planting a seed.  I got to where I would go to her office and talk to her and would cry but never make a commitment.

I found out I was pregnant in November 1989.  I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes with the wonderful news and was ready to become a mother.  Although I did have the most miserable pregnancy anyone could ever have, I think.  I was trying to go back to college for a Computer Science degree and just couldn’t handle it being pregnant.  I worked at Delta up until my 8th month of pregnancy.  I had Blake August 21, 1990.  By the time Blake was 4 weeks old he was a very sick baby.  We were in and out of hospitals, doctors running test…finding nothing.  Paul and I decided that it would be best that I stay at home with Blake so I quit my job at Delta in 1991.  I will talk about this trial with Blake later in another post.  

We moved from Madison to Somerville in 1991 so that I could be close to my parents.  I was so ready to settle down and have a family that went to church together and able to raise their children in church.  I began visiting a church in Priceville in January 1991.  The pastor at this church was my pastor at the church I grew up in during my teen years.  My parents were very close friends with he and his wife so they knew all about what had happened in my life all those years.

I began attending worship services regularly, Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night.  Blake was just about 5 months old and attended with me on Sunday mornings.  Paul still didn’t attend, very involved in his work and wanted his time off spent with his son.

In March 1991 I was saved by Gods grace.  It changed my life, of course it didn’t fix the stuff in my life that was screwed up or twisted at that very moment, but God started changing me!  It has been a long haul I am a picture of Old Testament Israel…so disobedient and stupid.

The pastor made a visit to Paul and said something that stuck in his mind and made him think about coming to church.  That quote was “there will always be hipocrites in the church, but it is better than the alternative.”  So in 1991 our family began our life together with Christ and the church.

I had to go through some rough stuff before I would let God take control of my life.  God has brought me a long way I can see Him in it every step of it.  He picked me up and carried me many times in my 1st marriage and is still carrying me now.  God is still working on me, “I’m under construction,” and will be under construction until He takes me to be with Him.

There is so much more I could share about what I have done and where I have been in my life, but I just wanted to touch on some pieces of it.  I hope that in reading this, if you are in an abusive relationship you seek help in Gods word and others.  If you think God could never forgive you for what you have done, look back at my life one more time and see where I was and what He has done for me.  I am thankful that I gave my life to Him, I now have that loving husband, that loves God and 4 beautiful children that are letting God lead their lives also.  We all attend Crosspoint Community Church and are serving as God leads us and are very fortunate to be in a church that has a vision like Crosspoint.